Many people quietly carry the weight of perfectionism. It can look like high standards, motivation, or organisation on the outside. But inside, perfectionism often feels like tension, vigilance, and the sense that something bad might happen if we slow down or make a mistake or a means to protect our vulnerability.
Perfectionism is not as a flaw, but as an adaptive strategy that often formed in response to stress, instability, or moments when we didn’t feel emotionally safe. Researchers and clinicians like Brené Brown, Gabor Maté, and others have helped illuminate how perfectionism is less about wanting to be perfect and more about wanting to be safe.
This lens honours that many of us learned perfectionism for very good, very human reasons. If perfectionism is part of your life experience, please know there is nothing wrong with you, but an adaptation in service of safety . There are different types of perfectionism that include.
Self- oriented perfectionism– holding oneself to excessively high standards and being self-critical when those standards aren’t met or that bar of expectation keeps rising.
Other-oriented perfectionism– having unrealistic expectation for others and feeling upset or annoyed if they don’t live up to those expectations or make mistakes.
Socially prescribed perfectionism– this involves living up to a perceived expectations that you believe other people expect from you.
Perfectionism comes in many manifestations, but they are adaptations to find safety, or gain control not a flaw. We can appreciate that these adaptations helped in certain chapters of our life, but they become a limitation or restrict our wellbeing or relationships as the past continues to shape the present moments.
Perfectionism as Protection — Not Failure
Brené Brown speaks to perfectionism as a shield—something we believe will keep us from shame, judgment, or rejection. Perfectionism may have been a strategy your nervous system chose to help you stay connected, accepted, or safe.
Rather than asking “What’s wrong with me?” it can be more supportive to ask:
- What did perfectionism once protect me from?
- What did it help me survive?
- Where did I learn that mistakes could lead to danger, disconnection, or conflict?
How Our Early Environments Shape This Pattern
Gabor Maté’s work highlights how children adapt to the emotional environment around them. When caregivers are stressed, unpredictable, distant, highly critical, or unavailable, children often try to reduce that stress by becoming “easy,” “good,” or “perfect.”
From a trauma-informed perspective, perfectionism may develop:
- When emotional expression wasn’t welcomed or felt unsafe
- When mistakes led to criticism, withdrawal, or punishment.
- When a child felt responsible for keeping the peace
- When love, safety, or attention felt conditional rather than unconditional.
- When being “perfect” reduced conflict or tension in the home
Linda Thai a trauma psychotherapist expands the theories on early relationships such as a caregiver to culture. Culture is like the invisible environment that tells us who to be. For some people they may feel they have to hide parts of themselves to fit in.
In these environments, perfectionism is not vanity or ambition. It is a survival pattern—a nervous system adaptation meant to maintain attachment, connection, and a sense of belonging.
The Cost of Carrying That Much Vigilance
Even when we grow up and gain more safety, the nervous system may still operate in “protective mode.” This can show up as:
- A constant sense of pressure
- Panic or procrastination when tasks feel overwhelming.
- Difficulty resting without guilt.
- Anxiety for an upcoming task/event/gathering.
- Feeling on edge until things are “just right”
- All-or-nothing thinking
- Harsh internal self-talk
- Exhaustion that doesn’t goes away
What Healing Can Look Like — Gently and with Choice
Healing from perfectionism doesn’t mean forcing yourself to “stop.”
It means offering your nervous system new experiences of safety—slowly, compassionately, and with support.
1. Move from Self-Criticism to Self-Compassion
Self-compassion isn’t indulgence. It’s a safety signal to the nervous system.
As Kristin Neff’s research shows, compassion supports motivation more effectively than pressure.
You might try saying to yourself:
- “It’s okay to rest.”
- “It makes sense that this feels hard.”
- “I’m allowed to make mistakes.”
These phrases help soften the internal danger signals.
2. Bring Curiosity Instead of Judgment
Instead of “Why am I like this?”
Consider: “What is this part of me trying to protect?”
Curiosity opens space. Judgment closes it.
3. Slow Down the Nervous System
Perfectionism often activates the body into fight-or-flight (survival energies). Small practices can help lower the survival energies, examples include:
- Placing a hand on your chest
- Taking one slow out breath
- Connecting with your environment, by naming things in the room and inviting your eyes to pause on something that feels nice (maybe a plant/looking outside a window/a picture)
- Noticing the support of the chair beneath you
- Feeling your feet connected to the floor.
These simple cues remind the body: I am safe enough right now.
4. Practice “Good Enough” in Safe Moments
You don’t have to dive into the deep end.
Begin with a low-stakes activity:
- Sending a message without rereading it
- Letting dishes sit for a bit
- Doing 80% of a task instead of 120%
Each time you do this, your nervous system learns that nothing catastrophic happens.
5. Build Relationships Where You Don’t Have to Perform
Healing is relational. Perfectionism softens when we experience connection that doesn’t require us to earn love or acceptance. This may start with working with a psychotherapist and counsellor and/or in community with others.
This might look like:
- A friend who welcomes your messy days
- A therapist who offers consistent safety
- Communities where vulnerability is respected, not judged.
When we are seen with gentleness, the internal pressure begins to quiet.
Honouring the Strategy — And Choosing Something New
Please remember, perfectionism worked so hard to keep you safe.
Perfectionism is a story about survival. But you are no longer the child/young person/adult who had to be perfect to be loved.
As you offer your nervous system new experiences—rest, compassion, softness, connection—perfectionism slowly loses its grip. Not through force, but through safety.
Photo credits: Ed Stone
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